Happy time fun with flowers in here!!!

I can't remember when I saw the trailer for The Cottage, but i figured a kidnap/horror movie starring Andy Serkis was probably worth watching. So I netflixed it, and ended up being fairly surprised by the high production values and great acting.

The entire cast is great, particularly Reece Shearsmith as Peter and Jennifer Ellison as Tracey.

The plot revolves around a couple of guys that kidnap a rich man's daughter and take her to a cottage to await ransom. However, a neighboring farm is home to a murderous psychopath who complicates matters.

I give this 4/5!

Choke showcases Sam Rockwell's acting genius. Choke is a good movie with a few hilarious moments. Angelica Huston is great as always.
There are a few other gems in the supporting cast, but overall I saw this movie because of Sam Rockwell, and he didn't dissapoint. Between his lecherous skirt-chasing, and his intentional choking, Sam proves that he's the real deal =).

I give this 4/5 throat choking meat chunks.

Leatherheads has a great cast, including some notables such as George Clooney, John Krasinski, and Renée Zellweger. Stephen Root and Jonathan Price are also present, giving this movie some great promise. With that caliber of cast, one has high hopes that the movie will shine, and when it doesn't, it merits a little more criticism.
This movie isn't funny. Oh sure, there's a laugh or two in various spots, but overall the dialogue isn't very snappy, and a lot of the jokes fall somewhat flat. It feels like Clooney, who directed the movie, was trying to recapture some of the magic in O Brother by the Coens.
I think a 2 is a little harsh, and a 3 a little generous. So I'm going with 2.5/5.

Webster's dictionary online defines 'eighties movies' as: "There are no dictionary entries for eighties movies, but eighties, movies are spelled correctly". Truer words have never been said. Now, on to my list.

10. Return of the Jedi

The eightiesest of the Star Wars movies and the first movie I ever remember seeing in the theater. Call me what you will but I think this is still my favorite of the episodes.

9. E.T.

It's magical and it does everything it can to force you to cry about a talking turd with an extendable neck, but I think it precisely captured what it was like to be a suburban kid in the eighties.

8. Robocop

I love the dark, bleak, violent vision of the future that so many eighties sci-fi movies had and this movie is a perfect example. Ronny Cox owns me like my uncle owns his lawnmower.

7. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

I absolutely love this show from Missy (“she’s your mom, dude”) to Abraham Lincoln encouraging me to “party on!” Who could have predicted that this movie would showcase Keanu’s best acting performance?

6. Die Hard

The best non James Cameron action movie ever made?

5. Beverly Hills Cop

Eddie Murphy doesn’t wear a fat lady suit in this film at all. Balki should have gotten an Oscar for best supporting actor.

4. Aliens

One of my favorites of all time and an awesome showcase of eighties sci-fi. Like Robocop it shows us a bleak, dirty future and like Blade Runner the world is very well realized. The fact that it was made in the eighties attributes greatly to its charm.

3. The Terminator

Overall, I like Aliens better, but as an eighties movie, The Terminator delivers. From the score, to the outfits, to the punk feel, to the bleak future –- this movie is 80’s sci-fi at it’s pinnacle.

2. Ghostbusters

I learned everything I ever needed to know about anything from watching this film.

1. Back to the Future

Best. Eighties. Movie. It’s so good that it made me forget, for a while, that saxaphones should not be used in rock music. Thanks for nothing, Huey Lewis.

Runners up: Better Off Dead, Full Metal Jacket, Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Empire Strikes Back, Weird Science, Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, The Fly, Predator, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, Spaceballs, UHF, Blood Simple.

Just like you I waded through all the hype. Just like you I read all the articles. "Will it be a faithful remake?" "Should it even be remade at all?" "Can Sly pull it off?" dominated the headlines of Variety, the Hollywood Reporter, etc. for months.

Well, faithful readers, I'm here to testify to you that he did it. Sylvester Stallone not only remade Rambo from the classic, Hot Shots: Part Deux, but he reimagined it with freshness and originality.

The story is more or less the same: The hero (John Rambo / Topper Harley) lives alone in Asia and does not want to be a part of any war or modern society. Do-gooders get captured and tortured by the bad guys. Mercenaries come in to rescue the do-gooders and they take Rambo along. Bad guy bodies pile up -- do-gooders get saved -- everyone learns a lesson about war (it’s hell / it’s fantastic!).

That is one of the major contrasts about Rambo vs. Hot Shots: Part Deux -- the hell vs. fantastic war theme of the movie. In Hot Shots: Part Deux war was fun. People got hit in the face by boxing-glove shooting bazookas; eyes got poked by two-finger bayonets; people got twisty-tied to torture racks. But different societies wage war differently and Sly knows this, and he knows you know this, and he knows we know he knows this. So he shows you how the Burmese do war. It’s much less fun (people get blowed the hell up -- a lot.), but arguably just as effective. This makes the movie fresh.

I haven’t yet read a single review for this movie, but I can hear the critics now: “Why not stick more to the original story, Sly? Hot Shots weren’t broked so why fix it?” Well, it’s funny because these are same critics that complain when remakes don’t bring anything new to the table. For shame.

To sum up: Rambo is a faithful remake of Hot Shots: Part Deux with something extra: a fresh outlook and a different take.

I give Rambo 3 and ½ bad guys getting their windpipes slowly torn out out of 5.

Well I bought my plane ticket to LA yesterday. My plan is to set down, get a Cinnabon, rent a car, then drive to these two assholes' house (I’m sure they live together):

I imagine that I’ll ring their door bell and they’ll come answer. I’ll lie to them about what a big fan I am of their work and ask them where they get their inspiration from. They’ll probably each answer by pulling out a crisp 20 dollar bill and kissing it.

That’ll be my cue. I’ll put each of their heads in a headlock and one by one I’ll bend each untalented hack over my knee and spank till tears fall out of their eyes. Or maybe I'll dunk their heads in the toilet over and over -- what ever it takes to make them promise to stop making movies. I haven't figured out all the details of my plan yet, but what I do know is that someone needs to stop them from making terrible, completely unoriginal, completely unfunny movies like Meet the Spartans, and that someone might as well be me.

I give Meet the Spartans -4 dickbags kissing cash out of -4.

Well, another day, another 5 star review here at the Kraquen labs. This time it's for There Will Be Blood. The movie rules, Danny Day is awesome in it, and old people hate it. What more can I say? They should hand the Oscar to Danny D right now to save time. I give this movie 5 bloody bowling pins out of 5.

The Orphanage is tense. Not just during certain scenes or parts like some lower caliber horror movies (I'm looking at you Eli Roth). No, this movie builds to a high level of tension early on and it sustains it until the movie is over. I messed my britches in two different ways while watching this movie because of this:
1. I completely lost control of all of my bodily functions because my brain was too focused on the movie's tensity. This caused me to leave the "flood door" open for 2 hours. Whiz slowly trickled into my pants throughout the movie's running time unnoticed by me.
2. There are a couple of extremely scary parts in this movie that caused me to actually push turds into my pants.

This movie is also one of the best ghost stories I've ever seen. I recommend this movie to anyone that wants to see an awesome story filled to the brim with tension. Should you bring an adult diaper to the theater when you see it? Depends.

I give this movie 5 creepy orphans out of 5.

Best
1: Superbad - Super Funny tied for first
1: Hot Rod - Tied for first
3: Hot Fuzz - Simon Pegg and Nick Frost do it again
4: No Country For Old Men - WOw
5: 300 - Wow
6: The Mist - At first I thought "do we really need another version of the fog?" but this movie is so much more
7: Juno - More Michael Cera is always a good thing
8: 3:10 to Yuma - Thank God for a good western.
9: American Gangster - Denzel dominates
10: Eastern Promises - Viggo is the ultimate badass

Worst
5: Epic Movie - Epic Stink
4: Codename The Cleaner - Really.. what was I expecting? Btw I saw this on HBO.. I didn't pay to see it
3: Happily N'Ever After - Freddie Prince should be kept away from film.
2: Rise: Blood Hunter - ICK Kevin Williamson from Jam! movies said it best "There are worse things than waking up in a morgue. Like, say, waking up and realizing there's another hour of Rise: Blood Hunter to go."
1: I Now Pronounce you Chuck & Larry - This gets the top spot on the crap list because it could have been so good.. yet was so bad.

Best of 2007:

1. No Country for Old Men

Look, I'm sorry that I have to follow every other critic in the world in putting this in my number one slot, but it deserves it. This movie is just that awesome. It tells a money-murder-mayhem story that the Coen Brothers have been telling since Blood Simple now perfected. Tommy Lee Jones and Javier Bardem deserve every single award I’m sure they will get for this movie. I commend the Coen’s bravery in this film. They took some chances and did some things that I’m sure made their studio execs (and the oldies sitting in front of me in the theater) cringe, but who cares about them, right? I went into the theater expecting a unique experience from the Coens and came out honored to have witnessed a breathtaking masterpiece of a film.

2. Ratatouille

I absolutely loved this movie. Pixar and Brad Bird did it again. They made a movie that looks incredible and is funny and moving. The whole movie builds to a payoff scene that sent chills throughout my body and was one of the best scenes I’ve seen in a long time.

3. The Darjeeling Limited

I disagree with the haters. Wes Anderson is awesome. Yeah, some of his themes, subjects and character arcs are similar through all his movies. I don’t really care. I think his movies are great (especially The Life Aquatic but mega especially Rushmore) and The The Darjeeling Limited is no exception. I sat there with a smile on my face from the moment I saw Bill Murray in the cab to the moment the yellow credits started to roll. This movie was colorful and bright and quirky and fun and introspective and interesting and I loved every minute of it.

4. The Simpsons Movie

I had my doubts. I think we all did. We all know that since 2002 the TV episodes of The Simpsons have been hit or miss and we were all afraid that this could be a 90 minute “miss” of an episode. But then a funny thing happened. This movie was created and it ruled us all like some kind of brave and fair comedy clown king for 90 minutes of our lives. This movie was hilarious but also touching in a way and it reminded us why we love the Simpson characters so much. And it was not afraid to use its movie medium and PG-13 rating to its advantage.

5. Hot Fuzz

Is it blasphemous to call Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright and Nick Frost the new Holy Trinity? Yes? Well how about the new Holy Trinity of comedy? Okay good, let’s go with that then. This movie establishes these fine lads as the new Holy Trinity of comedy with Edgar Wright as Jesus, Nick Frost as the Holy Ghost and Simon Pegg as God himself.

6. Zodiac

What a unique and incredible movie Zodiac is. It held me spellbound the whole time. This could have been the most boring docu-drama of all time but it wasn’t. It managed to walk a tightrope, telling an engaging story without leaving out any detail. David Fincher is an incredible, visionary filmmaker. If you have any doubts after watching Seven, Fight Club or Panic Room – see this movie.

7. Eastern Promises

What a brutal and fascinating movie. This movie pulls no punches as it shows you a world you’ve never seen before – the world of the Russian Mafia. Viggo Mortensen is incredible in this movie – this is by far the best work he has ever done. If I had to put money on either fictional character played by Viggo, Nikolai or Aragorn, winning a fight to the death I’d put all my money on Nikolai. I’d still keep my money on Nikolai if Aragorn was allowed up to 5 hobbits to fight with him. He’d probably simply point at each hobbit and then split his two fingers around his throat and they’d all run away and hide behind their giant circular doors. He’s that goddamned tough in this movie.

8. American Gangster

Denzel is the man and this movie chisels this fact into stone. Watching his performance in American Gangster was like watching a reenactment of the shootout at the OK Corral done by nuns – in other words it was like watching the most beautiful thing in this or any other world. He is the master of his craft. He can play anyone or anything. You could cast him as the ‘J’ in your daughter’s second grade alphabet play and he’d find a way to make you cry about his role in the word “Jack” - he’s that good. Josh brolin and Russel Crowe turn in some great performances too but it’s Denzel’s show and it’s an incredible spectacle.

9. Juno

Juno is another example of a movie that I sat through with a smile on my face the whole time. This movie is an incredibly honest, but funny movie that deals with a very serious subject. Ellen Page is amazing in her portrayal of Juno and the script, written by Diablo Cody, is clever, touching and funny.

10. Hot Rod

Hot Rod is funny stuff. “But Cam,” you might be asking, “you’re at number ten and you didn’t mention Knocked Up or Superbad, what gives LOL?” Well those movies were not as funny to me as Hot Rod. I liked Hot Rod for its simplicity and for the fact that it didn’t care about trying to teach me a life lesson or help me grow in any way at all. It wanted to try and make me laugh and it did that. Isn’t that enough?

Honorable mentions: Gone Baby Gone, Superbad, Walk Hard, The Mist, Sunshine, Death Proof, Transformers, Live Free or Die Hard, 3:10 to Yuma.

Worst of 2007:

5. Rise: Blood Hunter

Even a naked Lucy Liu kissing other girls could not save this movie from being the most boring movie I watched all year. It felt like it was going on forever, not the good parts mind you; those were over in a flash. No the other stuff like the meandering story, the horrible acting and murky photography seemed to just go on and on and on. I didn’t care what happened to any of the characters in this movie. Lucy Liu is still a goddess though and I’d suffer through this movie again any time for her.

4. Spider-Man 3

Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 got all the character development and boring love triangle stuff out of the way so now it’s time to have some fun with Spider-Man 3 right? Maybe establish three awesome new villains and have some kind of awesome battle royale to finish out the franchise, right? Wrong. Instead they made Spider-Man 3: The Soap Opera and made each character, including the villains, cry or fall into comas every few minutes. Raimi, we love you, but if you pull this shit again we’re going to go all Ash on you – boomsticks, chainsaw hands, the whole nine yards. And yes, it will be ironic.

3. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Gay jokes are some of the funniest ever, right? So why does this movie suck so badly? Well, you see Sandler, when we go to the movies we want to see new jokes, or maybe old jokes told in a new and funny way. But we don’t like hearing the same stupid joke over and over and over from the same person. Remember how your scout leader wouldn’t stop telling you that “frayed knot” joke right before he’d kiss you on the neck? Well it’s kind of the same thing with this movie. And for god sakes, stop trying to play it safe. You’ve got a daring premise, do something daring with it. Oh yeah, I forgot that you are all about the bottom line – my bad. Biel is still a goddess though but not worth watching this movie again for.

2. Resident Evil: Desert Boredom

I can’t remember the subtitle for this movie and I don’t care. This movie sucked so hard and for so long that the roof of its mouth caved in. Ali Larter is still a goddess but I’m never watching this movie again for anything.

1. AVP:R

I hate, hate, hated this film so much. In every way it squandered every chance it had to do something cool and it exploited every chance it had to take a huge shit on fans of the classic Alien / Predator franchises. This movie wasn’t just bad, it was insulting and that’s why it was the number 1 worst movie I saw in 2007.

Honorable mention: Transformers. Never has a movie sucked so much more on a second viewing. The Transformers in the movie are still cool though, well done ILM. And suck it Michael Bay.

Cam out.